I try not to think about you now and then. But it hasn’t been long enough, and I don’t want to ever stop thinking about you. I’ve got a good life, and it’s hard to enjoy it, when my heart aches for you to be near.
I try not to think about what might have been. About how you would grow old watching your grandbabies grow up, and teaching me how to be a good mother. I try and not think about the wisdom you would have taught me, or the trade secrets you would have passed down to me with each milestone they reach. How am I suppose to deal with them during their rebellious teenage years? If they are truly half of me and half of Scott I am so in for it! I don’t even want to think them passing the age of 3!
I know I have told you that I would not be angry at you, and I try so hard not to be angry at you, but it’s hard mama. It’s really hard not to be angry. I don’t think it’s you, I think it’s everything that played into you leaving. I think it’s the cancer, the doctors, the lack of support. Sometimes I am angry at you because you wanted to shelter me from seeing you die that you kept me from making memories with you! you kept Jayden and Zechariah from making memories with you! Mom, they wouldn’t have remembered the tubes, and wires, and the machines! They would have only remembered you, and your love! That’s all I remember!
Why did God take you? Why? It’s not fair! There are countless others out there that have no heart of pure love like you have, and they couldn’t go? Why you? Why now? Why when I finally get my life together and give you grand babies that God takes you? I can not understand this! It infuriates me!
I will always be your little girl wanting to crawl up into your lap after a bad day just to have you sooth and hush me while stroking my hair behind my ears, and kissing my tears away. I will always be your little princess twirling in her dress up gown you made me out of our window curtains because we had no extra money to buy me a “proper” dress up dress. I will always be your number one fan mama.
So please tell me, why did God insist on you? I really do try to believe that you are in a better place, and I really do try to pray for my sanity. But sometimes, I can’t stops seeing you in every reflection of the glass, every shadow that passes, and hearing you in every sound in the night. I just want to so much see your face again mom, to hear your voice echo I love you, and to feel your hug never let go. Some days I don’t want to get up and honest to God, I don’t know how I do get up.
I love you mama. I have to go now. I have to try and get some sleep before tomorrow. We have Easter with Scott’s family tomorrow. God I wish you could see the boys collect some eggs. This is the ONE and ONLY time you will ever get me to admit this; but I miss that you spoiled them rotten, when I know you shouldn’t have and couldn’t likely afford it, but I let you do it anyways, because I knew how much it gave you joy and happiness.
Happy Easter mama! Love you to the Moon and back again, forever and ever.
-Your loving Oldest Daughter,
^^^^^ Mom and I
^^^^My brothers first Christmas. My Mom, Brother, me and my dad.
^^^^ Myself, Mom, my brother, my sister and my dad.
My Mom, My sons Zechariah, Jayden and myself.
Myself, my mom, and my sons Jayden and Zechariah
My Grandmother, my son Jayden, myself and my mom.
My mom, my son Jayden and myself.
My step dad and my mom
My husband, my mother in law, my mom, and myself.
My mom and myself
My brother, my mom, myself and my sister.