So, here is a confession, not many know about me. EKK! I smoke, I have been smoking for a while now, I don’t like it, and I have tried to quit; never been successful. My husband and I went over our finances, and decided, that it’s quitting time. We’d rather take that $500, yes I said $500 a MONTH and add it to our savings, go on family vacations, etc. 2013 has been a year of re discovery, and it’s a year of solidifying our futures, including retirement.
How and when did this start? Well, when Scott and I got back together the third, or was it the fourth time? In any case, back in 2006 Scott and I got our first apartment together. He had started to smoke, maybe a year before that, closer to a year and a half. In fact it would still be another year before I started to smoke. January 2007, Scott and I split ways again, yeah, yeah, we finally got it right, and that’s all that matters. In any case, I was very miserable, and heart broken, I inadvertently bought HIS pack of cigarettes at the gas station while getting gas, on my way home from work, just as I had always done. It was a slip in my mind, some would say a defense mechanism, not wanting to accept reality. I don’t know, either, way I got home and realized I had his pack of cigs in my hands, and he would not be coming home to me.
Well, that pack of cigs sat on my dresser for a good month or so, until I started to slowly go out with friends again. My friends all socially smoked, while we sat in bars and drank; or sung very bad karaoke! lol. I snagged a few drags here and there. Thought I had it under control. Well, eventually I opened that pack, and started smoking it, mostly because I needed a calm me down, and my typical jog just wasn’t doing it any more. My “social” smoking, became a pack a day habit. Has been since 2007. I hate it, I hate it so much I hide it. I hate the smell, I hate the dependence, I hate the cost, and I hate what it has done to my body. The fiances tonight, just kicked me over the edge. I’m so done.
I have quit from time to time, and it felt amazing! I loved not smoking. Hard to NOT smoke when everyone else around me, smokes. However, no more.
I know for me quitting “cold turkey” doesn’t work, I also know, that having someone hold me accountable doesn’t work, they aren’t able to be with me 24/7. So then what?
Well in this tech savvy world of ours, I have found online resources! Even found a couple of good apps for my “smart” phone. It helps me step down. I even told my husband, that he has NO choice but to quit with me. That includes his nasty pouches. It’s all gone, well, will be.
I have been using the excuse for smoking to take a “me” break. Okay, me breaks are NEEDED, especially when you have a almost 3 year old going on 17 year old, and a barely 1 year old, acting like he’s a 2 year old, who also attends school full time to finish her degree, that I keep having to quit because of life, and I run my own photography business from my home. I do all of the cooking, cleaning, caring for the kids, I do all of the errands like buy groceries, doctors appointments, paying the bills. So needless to say, I have little to no time to myself! Not unless it’s, you guessed it, late at night, as it is almost 1am now. =/ I seriously MISS sleep! My sleep pattern is SO messed up! I can’t remember the last time I actually got a good nights sleep! Plus, what’s the point of a “me” break, if I just take my lap top outside with me to do homework or work???? That’s not a break! lol. Even in a 9-5 job they give you a 30 min lunch break and two 15 min paid breaks. They even give you breaks at school! So a break is good, I just have to learn to put the work down, and TAKE a break!
I’ve realized that I can still have my “me” breaks, but I don’t have to smoke. I can still go outside if I wish to, but not to smoke.
I have decided that I will be taking my camera along with me on this journey. I will be artistically in a fine art photography sense, documenting this, as well as from a documentary photography point of view. I want to really use this to my advantage personally, socially, educationally, artfully, and documentary. I want to cover all of my basis, because I think this can be something great in the end. Something to be proud of! Maybe my pearly whites, will actually get white again with all of the brushing I do! Maybe my finger nails wont be yellow, and will become beautiful again!
I have signed up for some online support systems, downloaded smart phone apps, and making some changes. I will be going on a nightly job after the kids are in bed, (I used to run all of the time, I want to run again. Maybe then I can get my cute little figure back!) During my breaks I will use my camera to tell how I’m doing that day, and what part of the journey I am in.
So I will start with my last pack of cigs, when I open it, and continue my struggle. I know that the first week is the HARDEST, and I know I’m going to be quite the character to handle, but I can do this.
You would have thought that I would have given it up when my mom died of cancer, she smoked almost two packs a day at one point in her life. She darn near smoked up until her last breath.
So here we start this journey, I hope you are all here to see it with me, and I thank you for your encouragement, and strength to see me through this!